Almost Married

(Follow-up from entry posted Feb,4th "The Shoe Agony": Being gender female is so nice..When you wish for Manolo Blahniks hard enough, eventually, they come to you!)

Sunday, Feb 25. Weight: 105 pounds. Cigarettes: 1 Toxic Thoughts: 0 Fantasies about Marc Darcy / MrRight: 1 million. Number of men who wanted me to be their last fuck before getting hitched: 5.

And here comes the source of the problem! I am 20. I met men, but not that many if you come down to it. And amongst these men already 5 of them wanted me to be their last spark of single-craziness before they walk down the aisle and join the side of the toxic-married couples ( yes you know, those couples who give you the "poor single you" look)

I have indulged myself to some of them. But in majority, i haven't. But before anyone asks, Yes, of course these guys are always the best looking, nicest, smartest, and most-eligible-to-be-presented-to-the-Mum, of the party. Life is ironic, I know.

Anyway, last night I met Number 5. And let me tell you, my friends, Number 5 was perfect. Hot but not in an aggressive sort of way. Stylish but not a fashionista. Flirty but not a playboy. Confident but not cocky. Talkative but not unstoppable. And engaged to be married, of course.This morning as I lay in bed, I opened the US edition of Style Magazine. And before I knew it, I stumbled upon a commercial for the diamond trading company:

"The Left Hand is for We, The Right Hand is for Me" it says

After all, there are 86 million single people in America, half of them are women. And it's not because you're single that you're not entitled to wear diamonds. Therefore, diamond traders filled the empty pitch and Bam! here you have it: the right-hand diamond ring, the one that shows to the world you're Single & Fabulous.

And there I am. I looked at my hands and I couldn't help but thinking: If all men are scared to get married and they all need one last time with a random girl, then what's the deal for us girls? If you're the one he's about to marry, you'll get cheated on and although you'll never know about it, it's there. The spell is broken. You will still believe you're getting your Happy Ever After, but you won't. Because in fairy tales, Prince Charming doesn't get a bit of ooh-la-la with anyone else than Cinderella.

If you're the other girl: how can you avoid to get trapped into being the girl-you-have-fun-with-before-your-wedding-day? and how can you continue to believe that, in your case, it will be different and that your very own personal Mr Right won't need to fool around with some random 20-year-old before committing his life to yours?

Obviously, I'm not about to get married. I'm the other girl. My right hand is content, almost flattered: I must be damn cute to be pursued by men who are supposedly crazy-in-love with their other half.

My left hand, who's still anxiously waiting for the right ring coming from the pocket of the right man is shit scared: What if I am that girl? What if I carry on meeting attached men, What if they carry on wanting me as the final fantasy, and What if I never meet a guy who's gonna chase another girl because he's scared that he's about to marry me.

In a typical girlie fashion, my hunger for emotional intimacy keeps hoping that it doesn't matter who I meet and what's their situation. Single. Engaged. Married...I still want to believe that status is of no significance. Maybe one day, I'll meet some engaged boy who will realize he's about to make the biggest mistake of his life and surrender it all for me. And he'll chase me, and he'll love me and ce sera beau comme au cinéma. But at times, most times, when i'm realistic I just come back to the old truths: Men are cows. And they'll always be scared of the fact that one day, they will swear to God to love one woman. This is called genetics. You know the old Darwinian theory: intrisic to the nature of men is the idea of procreation and the notion of territory. Men fulfill these needs through sex. That's how they feel alive. Hence, it's only natural to be scared when faced with the fact that you will really only have sex with one person until you die.

I think about Number 5, and I'm a little sad. Because jeez, he was awesome. And because I think about the ones who tried before he did, and the ones who will after he tried.

I refuse to give up. I refuse to let myself down. And I am convinced that, eventually, there will be someone for me. It's just...Sometimes, it's hard to hold on.

But then again, as Carrie says " Welcome to the age of un-innocence, no one has Breakfast at Tiffany's and no one has affairs to remember"